I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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