i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
