Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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