he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
