Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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