i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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