You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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