Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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