At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
is wine microwaveable?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
