my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
