i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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