I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
