i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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