i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
