I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
