i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.