I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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