Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.