I wish my penis had an off switch
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
