Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
