I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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