Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.