Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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