i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem