so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
