When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
