he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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