I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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