Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
