Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
