I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We left the knife in your bed.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
