I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
