It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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