Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
