My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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