Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
