My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
