you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
