just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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