2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
