Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
