He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
