I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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