I want to walk on stilts...naked
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
