I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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