Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
