FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
