doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
