I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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