I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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