Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
