So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
