He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
and you fell through a lawn chair
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
