I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
