I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
