I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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