I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
