Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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