Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
