This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
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I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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