is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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