You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
